comic

Ballad Of The Three Moustachiers

From Unholy Verses, Sacred Songs

Also published in A Pride of Lines zine by Coin-Operated Press

 

 

Maximilian Marlborough Mouche

Was lanky, languid, laid-back and louche.

When he fell in love with long-haired Loretta

He assumed he could simply go get her.

 

Melvin Muckle MacLaverty Mash

Was Maxi’s mate but it seemed they must clash

When he too developed a crush

On lovely Loretta Lispberry Lush.

 

Max was tall, Melvin strong, neither best

Whenever they wrestled, boxed, bumped chests;

Each was confident, thought himself better,

Both fancied their chances with luscious Loretta.

 

How could she choose between the two boys?

Loretta invented an original ploy:

 

‘I like males masculine, manly and rough,’

She said, ‘On your cheeks I see only fluff.

I will choose the one, though it may seem harsh,

Who quickest can grow the best moustache.

Whoever can show me the finest face-furniture

May join me in love’s great adventure.

We’ll meet again soon back at this place

To assess the foliage on your face.’

 

So Max stopped shaving his upper lip,

Quite soon the dark fuzz there had to be clipped;

It curled and twirled, so well reared

It lapped at the lobes of each of his ears.

He buffed it and fluffed it, worked in pomade –

Not any old stuff, but organic, homemade.

 

Meanwhile, as a gardener nurtures a rose,

Melvin tended the tendrils under his nose;

His bristles billowed, burgeoned in piles,

Springing and sprouting - a bush grown wild.

He sought role-models, to help him look dapper:

Cary Grant, Freddie Mercury, Sergeant Pepper.

He tried the surreal look: Salvador Dali

And then the chirpy: Chaplin, Charlie.

 

Max pursued a different policy,

Reading politics, history, philosophy:

Stalin, Pinochet, Gaddafi, dictators,

Kaiser Wilhelm, Lord Kitchener, sergeant majors;

Max imitated their alpha-male follicles

Though their foreign policies seemed unethical.

He feared Loretta might think him insane

When he looked in the mirror and saw Saddam Hussain.

Then, focussing on his finest feature,

Max found his ubermoustache: Friedrich Neitzsche.

 

Whiskers grow slowly, time quickly passes;

Soon they meet up to compare moustaches,

Maxi’s sophisticated and groomed

Melvin’s bushy as a couple of brooms.

 

Great their surprise when Loretta arrives,

A cool young woman clasped to her side,

Sultry and stylish as Marlene or Garbo,

On her lip a line, fine as Frida Kahlo.

Says Loretta, ‘Meet my love, Magdalen,

With her I know I need never be sad again.

I’m sure you agree we’re a handsome pair,

Madge wins the contest for best facial hair.’

 

In delight the assembled crowd of friends whoop;

In shock, Maximilian’s pride and joy droops.

‘Oh well, never mind,’ he shrugs, turning to Melv,

Its you I’ve fancied, ever since we were twelve.

What about it old boy, will you have me?’

He holds out a ring, goes down on one knee.

‘Oh Maxi, my fluffy one, I never knew,’

Says Melvin, ‘I always only wanted you.’

Maxi’s limp handlebars perk up and rise

While Melvin’s tache trembles, tears in his eyes.

 

Then Loretta and Madge, Melvin and Maxi,

Two happy couples, climb into taxis;

No better matches you’ll ever find,

They drive off arm in arm, moustaches entwined,

Remaining together, faithful and brave,

Through rough and smooth, shaggy and shaved,

Living the lesson of lovely Loretta:

Life may be hairy but it does get better.

 

http://www.itgetsbetter.org/